January 1st marks a new year. They say a new year means a clean slate. A clean slate means a new self. So in essence I suppose the New Year means a new me.
A New Year, A New Me!?!?
Who do I want the new me to be? What about the old me do I want to keep? New Year’s resolutions…well that is probably something I should have thought about before January 1st, but, like myself these past few years, I have left it for the last second. So, what should I pledge to change and pledge to keep?
What I Pledge to Keep in 2015:
1) Always Honest
2) Always Loyal
3) Family First (this includes my friends)
4) My Heart. What I mean by that is I wish to keep my deep love for everything and everyone. Often times I am told “you care too much.” This is true, I do care too much. I often get hurt because I love so deeply, yet am not able to be fully vulnerable so it is complicated and hard and often leaves me hurt with friends and significant others. I do not care if I care too deeply for others and end up getting hurt. I would prefer to live another year where I love more than others, because I would rather say that I loved and was hurt than was not a lover. Kind of ironic since I am terrified of dating (hello vulnerability issues) but yet I care, and I care deeply. If you are my friend, you are my friend for life. It is the way I have always been, the way I will always be. Despite being told that if I cared less for others like most people do I wont be hurt as much. I do not care. For I would rather love with my whole heart than be less of a lover.
What I Pledge to Change in 2015:
1) Everything I do should be to benefit and enhance my health. Live life in the moment, meditate, eat healthy, live without regret, understand what is in the past is in the past, the future is in the future so do not worry, and love and live in the moment for it is a gift and tomorrow is not promised. Love and be loved. Essentially, live like my cousin Brendan P. Tevlin would say, “Good Vibes and Easy Living.”
2) I will learn not leave everything for the last second (like I have done with my New Year’s resolutions haha!)
3) Health first, School Second, then social life
4) I will blog at least 3 times a week
5) I will keep a personal journal which I write in everyday
- Write something that I loved about my day and am thankful for (this is what I do each night as I pray to God, but I should write them in my journal. At the end of the year I can look back and reflect. See in writing how loved and privileged I am. This is will enhance myself because i will see it in writing and be reminded of things I might forget if I leave it to rely on my memory
- Write my daily Highs and Lows
- Daily Medical Log
- Daily Food Log to track and see which foods enhance my health
6) I will work hard to allow myself to be vulnerable, honest, and open. I will try not to hold everything in and let it bottle up. This will be challenging as I have had 21 years of practice doing the exact opposite. My bottle is full, the cork is about to pop off. I need to allow my bottle time to breath and come out slowly, rather than pop and come out all at once.
7) I will stop hiding my health difficulties and instead fully embrace them. I will not put on a smiling face and pretend like I haven’t been going through hell for years. This only makes me keep it bottled up and now, I realize, it is worse to pretend like everything is perfect and you are not living a personal hell where your body attacks itself daily.
This does not mean I want to complain or have people feel pity for me (which is why I have kept it a secret for so many years) but I do realize it has hurt me to try and keep it a secret. It has hurt me because it has had me seem like I was disinterested in spending time with my friends, caring for them, or being “sketchy” and no longer hanging around.
I was the girl that was always caring, social, and ready to be there for people. I am still that person, but because I am sick it is harder to do all of those things. It is easier for me to stay away and not be in their lives anymore. Each day changes, minute to minute I feel different. One minute I am feeling energized and ready to go…the next I am too tired and do not have the energy to communicate because I do not have the energy to give them my all, so I thought it was better to stay away. This is false. People have taken this personally or thought I was “being sketchy” or “hiding.” These are false, but I understand why people think these.
Basically, in my attempt to not have others worry about me or pity me. I have had them feel these things for the wrong reasons, or worse, had them feel rejected and unloved by me. That is the one that hurts the most: people I care about thinking I am avoiding them, no longer care or love them, and/or think I am rejecting them. I think about my friends and family daily. It kills me not to have the energy to keep up with them or go out all the time.I hate (a word I do not like to use, but I absolutely mean this word in this instance) I hate that people feel hurt and as if I am avoiding them.
I kept quiet for selfish reasons. But also, to protect others and not have those who love me worry because the truth is I have been rather sick. Little did I know, it would hurt them by keeping my mouth shut. I feel badly about this.
I need to be open and allow myself to be vulnerable in many areas, especially in my best kept secret of living a life with an auto-immune disease. A life where I was undiagnosed for years. Tests, procedures, medications, surgeries, you name it- it was all a secret and happening, making my everyday life harder and harder as time went on. Thankfully I am now diagnosed and in a few months will hopefully be healthy enough to get back out there and be the person those who love me know me to be. I have so much I want to accomplish and do for the world, but in order to do so I must first be healthy and get my energy back.
So, there yall have it. Those are my New Year’s resolutions for 2015. All 7 are important to me. All 7 I need to work hard in order to ensure I accomplish them all. The last 6 are all actually smaller steps or resolutions to accomplish my 1st resolution. Without knowing it I just created the steps to accomplish my first resolution. The year 2015 will be about my health. I truly believe if I get my health under control everything else will fall into place.
A New Year, A New Me!! #Leehhhgoo
Here is to a wonderful 2015!
May your year be happy, healthy, and rich with love, laughter, family, and friends.
With Love, Hope, and Happiness,